Oh, woe is me.....

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You will revive me:
and Your right hand will save me

Psalm 138:7

It seems that this week has been so full of “grief bursts” that my eyes just ache from all the tears. I keep thinking I should be doing much better than I am after two months, but this week has felt like November 29th over and over again. I know it's going to sound strange or weird, but several times this week, during my cry fests, that I could feel Darrell reaching out to me or his hands heavy on my shoulders. I know that is wishful thinking, but the sensation feels very real and only seems to make my longing worse. I wonder at times if I'm really loosing it. My attempt at organizing is a joke and all I have done is made a mess in just about every room. I can't seem to get up the gumption to finish any of it and just walk around it or close the door so I don't have to look at it. I hate to admit it but my vacuum has been sitting outside my office door for 2 weeks now. I feel like a pathetic mess! Now I understand why widows of years gone by wore a veil all the time.

I received a bag full of old photographs from the 1800's and also some letters written in German from the late 1880's. It was very exciting to study them and see that one was written by my great great grandmother. It's possibly one of the best genealogical treasures that our family has. When I discovered the signature my first thought was to share it with Darrell, but as I headed for the stairs I remembered I'm alone and he's not here. It just doesn't seem to soak in that he's not there and won't be.

I honestly can say I don't know what I would do without my faith. Sometimes I feel a little guilty occupying so much of God's time with my sorrow. I have some good chat's with Him at night, I'm sure He thinks he's got a crazy believer down here, because I keep asking him to tell Darrell this or tell Darrell that. It seems "He" loves me any way.

In my prayers I ask for peace.
And I hear a quiet voice
whisper to my heart that all is well.

In my prayers I ask for forgiveness.
And I hear a quiet voice
whisper to my heart that I am
forgiven because I have accepted
Jesus Christ as my Savior.

In my prayers I ask for strength.
And I hear a quiet voice
whisper to my heart that He will
carry me through my trouble.
and will never leave me.

In my prayers I thank him
for my family and friends.
And ask him to protect them and
Keep them safe from harm.
And I hear a quiet voice
Whisper to my heart that He
will surround them with
unconditional love.

And when I cannot sleep I
pray to him to hold me through
the night and help me to rest.
And I hear a quiet voice
whisper to my heart,
I am here my child,
I am here with you tonight,
and all the days of your life.

The tears of my broken heart are
wiped away from my eyes
and sweet slumber comes in the
glow of His light.

And when morning once again arrives,
I thank Him for staying with me

through the long night.

And a quiet voice whispers

to my heart,

I love you child, I will never abandon you.

And I say: Thank you God for

all you have given me. I love you

too and I will always be your

faithful servant.

copyright2009@terrikallio