The Day of Loss - Continued

"Don't be afraid, Jesus said."

"Take Courage, I am here"

Mathew 14:27 niv

As the Chaplain led us down the endless hallway I could not catch my breath.  My mouth went dry and I could no longer swallow.  With every step I could feel my heart pounding.  Pounding! Pounding, faster and louder, until I thought I would become deaf from the sound of it.  My mind was racing and yet numb.  Oh, God, please, please make this a dream that I might wake from it.  Take this night of horror away from me.  The door was not far away, I could run, but, I knew I would not escape.

We waited for the doctor to come and explain what was happening to Darrell.  All the while praying and hoping that the news would be better than we thought, and yet knowing it was not to be.  When he finally arrived, he sat in front of me, and as he was going through all the things they had done to help Darrell, all I could think was it doesn't matter what you did.  Just confirm what I already know in my heart.

Then came the waiting for his girls to arrive.  Oh, how was I going to tell them their Dad was gone?  Lord, please take this task from me.  First to arrive was my brother and his wife.  I could not speak, but shook my head instead.  I didn't have to say a word.  The girls arrived in the order of their birth.  One by one they searched my eyes for the answer, an answer to painful to say aloud.  I could not speak, I did not have to.  With trembling arms and broken hearts we held one another and found comfort in each other.  In our sorrow God was with us.  He brought his angels to surround us and there was a feeling of calm in the room.

Today, it is one month since this night and yet it is as vivid as if it were yesterday.

He offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries

and tears to the one who could save him from death.

Hebrews 5:7 niv

The Day of Loss

November 29th started out as any other Sunday, my husband and I got up early and began our day with the morning news program and a big cup of coffee. We chatted some about what a great Thanksgiving we had had this year with everyone and how much fun it was to watch all the kids playing the Wii game. As is normal my folks came by the house for coffee after church and to catch up on the weeks activities. Darrell complained some about not feeling good, but nothing specific, just not “up to par”, he said. We both passed it off, thinking it was probably just all the rich foods we had eaten over the holiday. After Darrell stopped drinking he became a candy-a-holic and I told him maybe he should lay off of it for the day.

I was working on a big slide show project for a client so I had gone up to my office to work on that for most of the afternoon. I came down a few times to check on him, he was laying down resting, but now he was complaining that he felt so bloated and just couldn't get rid of it and still just wasn't feeling good. I had asked him if he was still just not “up to par” or did he feel we should go to the hospital. He said, no I don't feel that bad, so I got him an aspirin, an antacid and a 7-Up, thinking that the 7-Up should help him burp and get rid of the bloated feeling. At this point we both still felt it was all the over eating we had done on rich foods. Later I came down and made us some supper and he ate really well,  so, I thought he must be feeling some better. After supper we settled in to watch a new Christmas movie.  We were about a half hour into the movie when he suddenly let out this unbelievable sounding snore, I knew immediately something was really wrong, I jumped off of the couch and ran to where he was laying. His entire body was seizing and every muscle tightened – I kept screaming his name – Darrell!  Darrell!  Open your eyes – open your eyes!  But, he never opened them again. I called for help and within a mater of minutes the fire department was here and coming through the house. Five times they shocked him and performed CPR. I stood there helpless and afraid, now yelling at him – Darrell!  Darrell!  I just knew if he could hear me he would not leave me. The policewoman kept trying to distract me, asking what seemed like ridiculous questions at a time like this. Questions like, “When is his birthday” “When is your birthday?” I just wanted her to get the hell away from me, my husband needs me, can't you see that, I thought. I knew that she was trying to distract me so that the paramedics could do their job, but I was letting them and was not interfering with them – I just wanted to be with him.
Finally a faint pulse was detected and they quickly removed him from the house and took him to Lutheran Hospital. They wouldn't let me drive so my wonderful next door neighbors took me to the hospital, but first I had to call his daughters so they could get to the hospital too. All the way to the hospital my friend and neighbor prayed. Prayers of help, hope and guidance were quickly sent heavenward. As we traveled down Wadsworth I suddenly knew he was gone, I could feel he was no longer here, of course I prayed that I was wrong and that it was only my fear of loosing him that I was sensing.
I felt as though I was watching one of those medical shows on TV, where when a Chaplain meets you at the door to the emergency ward so you know it's not good news.

To be continued.