The Day My World Changed

The morning of November 29, 2009 began as most of my mornings do; sharing a hot cup of coffee, with my husband, and arguing as to whose turn it was to go out in the cold and get the Sunday paper. We chatted about how great our Thanksgiving had been and how good the turkey came out this year. We laughed about how silly everyone looked playing the Wii games that day, and how much fun they all had. Then the rest of the day we just did our own thing. I worked on some things on the computer and Darrell, of course, watched every football game that was on.


When I woke that morning I had a clear picture of who I was as a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a step-mom and a grandma. By that evening, my clarity would change dramatically and my world would change forever. For you see my role as wife changed to widow. Who is this “widow” person? I didn't know her and I definitely didn't want to be “her”. I couldn't breath. – I can't accept this! – It can't be happening! – Why now?– Why! Why! Why? I just wanted to run away.

The unrelenting sorrow and pain that followed the death of my husband, my best friend, seemed more than I could ever bear at times. The perpetual gray skies of that winter dragged on and I felt a sense of hopelessness that I have never felt before. Tears flowed in an endless stream of grief and despair. Every night I begged God to please wake me from this dreadful dream. With each step I took in the mornings there would be hope that he would be there; playing solitaire as he always did and asking me for a cup of coffee. But, he wasn't there.  Despair
would settle over my body like blowing snow – cold and blinding. I was lost and alone, shrouded in a heavy black veil where there was only darkness.

In the darkness I prayed for help. The prayer barely passing my lips when I could feel the strong comforting arms of God wrapped around me. He rocked me in His arms and let me cry myself to sleep. Night after night I called to Him for strength and always He would come. I could hear Him: Shh, shh, shh, I'm here, it's going to be alright.

In a few days a year will have passed since that night. The gray dark days of that winter gave way to spring and the blossoming of summer. Another Thanksgiving has come and gone and soon Christmas will be here. I'm still working through my sorrow, but, I have lifted the veil so that I can see the beauty of the life before me. I'm finding my way through the thorns and rediscovering my dreams and hopes for the future.  Every day I reach up for God's hand and He guides me. – Some days He has to do a lot of pushing and pulling, but He is always there. At night God still wraps his arms around me and rocks me to sleep and I hear him:  Shh, shh, shh, I'm here, it's going to be alright.......

(This post also appears on The Ties That Bind )

Lake of Sorrow

In the dark there is a peaceful silence
where quiet tears caress my soul.

Each tear holds a memory

Each tear a moment that won't be shared

I see what others cannot

For you are in my dreams.

It's there I hear you call my name,

And once again feel the gentleness of your touch.

As morning breaks you are beyond my grasp.

But your sweet love lingers with me

throughout the day.

In my sorrow I call out to God.

He weeps with me.

He shrouds me in his love.

He comforts me.

He whispers you have a life to live

and beauty yet to be seen.

There are dreams yet to be fulfilled

and memories to be made

In the dark there is a peaceful silence

where quiet tears caress my soul.